Disciplining With Love

    One of the biggest responsibilities as a parent is to teach and guide our children.  We need to discipline our kids, but there are right and wrong ways for discipline.  Discipline doesn’t have to be harsh, and in fact, should not be harsh.  We should be respectful to our children and try to understand their feelings and point of view.  And we should also be firm, but still loving.

    In his book, Between Parent and Child, by Dr. Haim G. Ginott outlines ways we can teach our children, while still giving them the respect they deserve.  He asks, “What is the goal of parenting?  It’s to help a child grow up to be a decent human being, a mensch, a person with compassion, commitment, and caring.”  The way we talk to our children makes a difference in how they respond.  We should communicate with kindness, and listen to our children.  Ginott suggests several things we can do to be better parents.  We should avoid criticism.  When we are angry, we should use “I statements” that tell the child how we feel, rather than attacking the child and their self-esteem and personality.  We should praise our children.  (However, we should not over-praise them.  See my other blog post about how and when to praise our children.)  We should learn to say no at appropriate times.  And we should give our children a say in some things in their lives.

    Addressing those points above, Ginott said, “Parents need to become convinced of the futility of nagging and pushing.  Coercive tactics only breed resentment and resistance.  External pressure only invites defiance.  Instead of trying to impose their will on children, parents are more likely to influence them when they see their children’s point of view and involve them in solving problems.”  

    In the book 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting, by Dr. Laurence Steinberg, Principle #8 Avoiding Harsh Discipline,  he teaches about avoiding harsh discipline.    Dr. Steinberg focuses on four areas of avoiding harsh discipline.  1) Never use physical punishment. 2) Don't be verbally abusive. 3) Controlling your anger. 4) The right way to punish.  Dr. Laurence explains that physical punishment is ineffective and harmful for children.  “Of all the forms of punishment that parents use, the one with the worst side effects is physical punishment. Physical punishment is no more effective than other types of punishment – in fact, in many situations it is less effective – and it has been proven to have a harmful effect on children's development.”  There are many other alternatives to physical punishment.  Some examples are time-out or withholding a privilege.   “If you need to punish your child, do so by telling him that you're disappointed in how he has behaved, putting him on a time-out (if he is young), or depriving him of something he wants or enjoys (if he is older). These work just as well as physical punishment, but they do not have adverse side effects.”  

 

    Besides physical punishment as a harmful way to parent, equally destructive is verbal abuse.  Verbal abuse is name-calling, berating, shouting, belittling, humiliation, or accusation, to name a few.  Verbal abuse is ineffective, one because it’s wrong, and two because in order for a parent to be successful, you need to have trust from your child.  If you’re constantly verbally attacking  your child, they aren’t going to trust you.  “One good way to avoid harsh verbal discipline is to focus your remarks on your child's behavior rather than on your child.”  As a parent, we should learn to control our anger.  We are the parent and adult in the situation.  Children are sometimes unable to identify or control their emotions.  We need to lead by example.  

     The Lord has counseled us on the proper way to discipline our children.  D&C 121:41-46 says, “No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile – reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved.”

    The best way to discipline includes these steps.  1) Identify what the child did wrong.  2) State the impact their action could have.  3) Offer alternatives to the behavior.  4) Tell the child what the punishment will be.  5) Give your expectation of what you expect the next time.  “When it is possible, link the punishment to the infraction.”  In our family, we call this, “natural consequences.”  The punishment should fit the crime.  Children will learn better if there is a natural consequence to their misbehavior.

    Disciplining with love and kindness, but still making sure to model good behavior and act like a parent, will help our children thrive.  They will learn the lessons we are trying to teach them, and grow up to be good people, which is the ultimate goal of being a good parent.

- Word Count: 817

Praising Children

    There is danger in inappropriately praising a child.  Constant praise may seem like a positive parenting practice, but it actually has negative effects on children.  Praising intelligence or talents creates a fixed mindset.  A fixed mindset is someone who believes that they have a fixed amount of intelligence and can’t progress beyond that.  So consistently praising a child creates a fixed mindset and actually limits future potential because they think they can’t progress from where they are.  Instead of praising outcomes, it is much more healthy to praise effort, character, deliberate practice, and tenacity.  If you praise kids for everything they do,  you could damage their future.  Yes, you do temporarily boost their self-esteem, but that praise doesn’t build on their effort and results.  And in the future, they are much more likely to give up on hard things. 

    So what is the solution?  Children need a certain amount of praise to feel good about themselves, but how do we praise without damaging our children? In a panel discussion called, “True Grit, Can You Teach Children Character,” Professor Carol Dweck explains how we can praise our children in a healthy way.  “Have you ever told a child they were smart or talented to boost their confidence? That’s what the self-esteem gurus told us to do, but they were wrong.  In a dozen studies we've shown that praising intelligence or talent creates a fixed mindset, makes kids worried about taking on hard tasks, even if they learn from them, and sabotages resilience. What's the alternative? Praising that process, effort, strategies, persistence--those growth mindset characteristics creates the hardy and resilient child.”

    In general, our society has moved to praising children for every little thing they do.  Participation ribbons for everyone, and trying to spare the feelings of children have replaced genuine praise. In the article, “Are we praising kids too much?”  by Joanna Pocock,  it is asked,  “Have we reached the point where we can’t be honest about our children’s skills and limitations?“  It appears in a lot of cases that we have.  Many children now think that they deserve praise, even for the mundane in life, and it has created an entitled generation.  ““A child who is praised often will begin to crave the satisfaction he or she gets from pleasing their parent, teacher, or caregiver. Instead of doing something for the pure joy of it, the child will begin to do it simply for the praise. This is not a healthy cycle, and it can turn children into approval addicts. Their worth comes from the recognition they get rather than an inner sense of achievement or fulfilment.”

For example, in our family we don’t highlight grades.  We encourage our kids to work hard and do their very best.  You could have one kid who easily gets an A in a class without even trying.  And another kid who struggles and works super hard, but gets a C.  We praise effort and learning.  This is a better measure of growth.   Rewarding grades is giving praise where it’s not needed.  Children should want to learn for the sake of learning, plus for the knowledge they gain, not because they get money or rewards from their parents. 

 

    We have to be intentional about our praise.  Parents should focus on a child’s effort, not the outcome, when giving praise.  The article points out, “many of us live in a society that values praise over engagement and end goals over process.”  Children should want to do things for the pure enjoyment of the activity or for the reward of learning something, not for praise.   We shouldn’t over-praise our children.  So what is the right way to give children praise?  “One simple way is to praise the effort over the outcome. Not only does this encourage them to keep doing whatever it is, it takes the focus away from “good” and “bad,” placing it on the idea that working toward something can be its own reward. In other words, instead of thinking about praising our children, we should be concentrating on encouraging them.”  Praising too often or insincerely means the child will not trust us.  We are not being honest if we praise every little accomplishment.  Plus praising too often makes children afraid of making mistakes because they will not get the expected praise they are used to constantly receiving.  “We should also work toward creating an atmosphere where children feel safe making mistakes. Failure is part of the process of learning and is something we often overlook.”

 

 

    It's ok to praise our kids, but we should be careful and intentional.  We should praise effort, not the end result.  We should be honest and sincere in our praise, and we should praise only when we mean it.

 

-       Word Count: 792 

 

 

The Parenting Pyramid

    What is the best way to discipline and correct your child?  Parents often ask questions such as, “What do we do to stop our children from fighting?”  Or, “What do we do when our children fail to do their homework?”  Less often, they ask things like, “How do we teach our children to be responsible?” or “How do we help our children enjoy family activities?”

 

    As you can see, most of the time as parents, we are first asking about what do we do when things go wrong. A brilliant article written by The Arbinger Company suggests a better way to look at parenting.  They suggest to reverse this order and look at how we can help things go right and prevent things from going wrong.  We should focus our energy on helping things to right rather than handling them when they go wrong.

 

    This article uses a pyramid or hierarchy as a way to show us how to help correct our children.  Good parenting involves correcting a child rather than just punishing them.  It’s important to teach the child why they received punishment for something they have done.  They explain, “The most important thing we can learn about correction is its dependence on teaching.  

Am I correcting my children without teaching them?  The better we teach our children, the easier it is to correct them when we have to.”  If we teach our children correctly, we won’t have to discipline as often because they understand the why’s behind what is expected.  And our corrections will become more about teaching than punishment.

 

    As is seen in the graphic below, you can’t correct a child unless you have taught them first.  And you can’t teach a child if you have a poor relationship with them.  If they don’t like us, they won’t want to learn from us.  So it is important to build a good relationship first before trying to teach them.

    In order to be teachable, you must first have a close relationship with your child.   The parent/child relationship is important so your child will want to learn from you.  “The effectiveness of correction will depend on the quality of our teaching, and the quality of our teaching will depend on the quality of our relationship.”

    Underlying the parent/child relationship is the husband/wife relationship.  You can’t have a good relationship with your child if your relationship with your spouse is suffering.  The quality of a relationship with a child depends on how the parents are getting along too.  “If parents have difficulties with each other, one way or another, the children will get sucked into them.”  In the article “How to Have a Happy Marriage When You’re Busy Being Parents,” by Elizabeth Pantley, she said, “But marriage is the foundation upon which your entire family is structured. If your marriage is strong, your whole family will be strong; your life will be more peaceful, you’ll be a better parent, and you’ll, quite simply, have more fun in your life.”  Many experts agree that a strong marriage results in better parenting.  The article also asserts, “Children feel secure when they know that Mom and Dad love each other.  Your children need daily proof that their family life is stable and predictable. When you make a commitment to your marriage, your children will feel the difference.”

    As a foundation to a good spousal relationship, you need to be working on being a good person.  The foundation of a good marriage is each person working on themselves in addition to their marriage.  So the next foundation is our personal way of being, who we are as people.  This includes our attitudes, our morals, our efforts to be better, the quality of our heart. 

 

Each level of the pyramid builds on the foundation below it.  “The solution to a problem in one part of the pyramid lies below that part of the pyramid.”  If you’re having trouble with one area, the solution is in the step below it.  So if you’re having difficulty correcting your child, it probably means there is a problem with your relationship with that child.  If you’re having a hard time with your marriage, it means you need to focus on making yourself a better person.  

 

    Here is summary of how the pyramid works.  “1)  Although correction is part of parenthood, IT IS THE SMALLEST PART.  2) The key to effective correction is effective teaching.  3) The key to effective teaching is a good parent/child relationship.  4.) The key to a good parent/child relationship is a good husband/wife relationship. 5) The key to a good husband/wife relationship is our personal way of being.  Indeed, this quality affects every other aspect of the pyramid; that is why it is the deepest foundation.”  Following this pyramid will help you be the best parent you can be.  Focusing on being the best person you can be will help your marriage relationship, which will in turn help your relationship with your child.  And when your relationships are good, you will be able to teach and correct your child much easier.  This pyramid will help you in your relationships with your children and spouse, and will help you be a better person and parent.

-       Word Count: 869