The Parenting Pyramid

    What is the best way to discipline and correct your child?  Parents often ask questions such as, “What do we do to stop our children from fighting?”  Or, “What do we do when our children fail to do their homework?”  Less often, they ask things like, “How do we teach our children to be responsible?” or “How do we help our children enjoy family activities?”

 

    As you can see, most of the time as parents, we are first asking about what do we do when things go wrong. A brilliant article written by The Arbinger Company suggests a better way to look at parenting.  They suggest to reverse this order and look at how we can help things go right and prevent things from going wrong.  We should focus our energy on helping things to right rather than handling them when they go wrong.

 

    This article uses a pyramid or hierarchy as a way to show us how to help correct our children.  Good parenting involves correcting a child rather than just punishing them.  It’s important to teach the child why they received punishment for something they have done.  They explain, “The most important thing we can learn about correction is its dependence on teaching.  

Am I correcting my children without teaching them?  The better we teach our children, the easier it is to correct them when we have to.”  If we teach our children correctly, we won’t have to discipline as often because they understand the why’s behind what is expected.  And our corrections will become more about teaching than punishment.

 

    As is seen in the graphic below, you can’t correct a child unless you have taught them first.  And you can’t teach a child if you have a poor relationship with them.  If they don’t like us, they won’t want to learn from us.  So it is important to build a good relationship first before trying to teach them.

    In order to be teachable, you must first have a close relationship with your child.   The parent/child relationship is important so your child will want to learn from you.  “The effectiveness of correction will depend on the quality of our teaching, and the quality of our teaching will depend on the quality of our relationship.”

    Underlying the parent/child relationship is the husband/wife relationship.  You can’t have a good relationship with your child if your relationship with your spouse is suffering.  The quality of a relationship with a child depends on how the parents are getting along too.  “If parents have difficulties with each other, one way or another, the children will get sucked into them.”  In the article “How to Have a Happy Marriage When You’re Busy Being Parents,” by Elizabeth Pantley, she said, “But marriage is the foundation upon which your entire family is structured. If your marriage is strong, your whole family will be strong; your life will be more peaceful, you’ll be a better parent, and you’ll, quite simply, have more fun in your life.”  Many experts agree that a strong marriage results in better parenting.  The article also asserts, “Children feel secure when they know that Mom and Dad love each other.  Your children need daily proof that their family life is stable and predictable. When you make a commitment to your marriage, your children will feel the difference.”

    As a foundation to a good spousal relationship, you need to be working on being a good person.  The foundation of a good marriage is each person working on themselves in addition to their marriage.  So the next foundation is our personal way of being, who we are as people.  This includes our attitudes, our morals, our efforts to be better, the quality of our heart. 

 

Each level of the pyramid builds on the foundation below it.  “The solution to a problem in one part of the pyramid lies below that part of the pyramid.”  If you’re having trouble with one area, the solution is in the step below it.  So if you’re having difficulty correcting your child, it probably means there is a problem with your relationship with that child.  If you’re having a hard time with your marriage, it means you need to focus on making yourself a better person.  

 

    Here is summary of how the pyramid works.  “1)  Although correction is part of parenthood, IT IS THE SMALLEST PART.  2) The key to effective correction is effective teaching.  3) The key to effective teaching is a good parent/child relationship.  4.) The key to a good parent/child relationship is a good husband/wife relationship. 5) The key to a good husband/wife relationship is our personal way of being.  Indeed, this quality affects every other aspect of the pyramid; that is why it is the deepest foundation.”  Following this pyramid will help you be the best parent you can be.  Focusing on being the best person you can be will help your marriage relationship, which will in turn help your relationship with your child.  And when your relationships are good, you will be able to teach and correct your child much easier.  This pyramid will help you in your relationships with your children and spouse, and will help you be a better person and parent.

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