One of the biggest responsibilities as a parent is to teach and guide our children. We need to discipline our kids, but there are right and wrong ways for discipline. Discipline doesn’t have to be harsh, and in fact, should not be harsh. We should be respectful to our children and try to understand their feelings and point of view. And we should also be firm, but still loving.
In his book, Between Parent and Child, by Dr. Haim G. Ginott outlines ways we can teach our children, while still giving them the respect they deserve. He asks, “What is the goal of parenting? It’s to help a child grow up to be a decent human being, a mensch, a person with compassion, commitment, and caring.” The way we talk to our children makes a difference in how they respond. We should communicate with kindness, and listen to our children. Ginott suggests several things we can do to be better parents. We should avoid criticism. When we are angry, we should use “I statements” that tell the child how we feel, rather than attacking the child and their self-esteem and personality. We should praise our children. (However, we should not over-praise them. See my other blog post about how and when to praise our children.) We should learn to say no at appropriate times. And we should give our children a say in some things in their lives.
Addressing those points above, Ginott said, “Parents need to become convinced of the futility of nagging and pushing. Coercive tactics only breed resentment and resistance. External pressure only invites defiance. Instead of trying to impose their will on children, parents are more likely to influence them when they see their children’s point of view and involve them in solving problems.”
In the book 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting, by Dr. Laurence Steinberg, Principle #8 Avoiding Harsh Discipline, he teaches about avoiding harsh discipline. Dr. Steinberg focuses on four areas of avoiding harsh discipline. 1) Never use physical punishment. 2) Don't be verbally abusive. 3) Controlling your anger. 4) The right way to punish. Dr. Laurence explains that physical punishment is ineffective and harmful for children. “Of all the forms of punishment that parents use, the one with the worst side effects is physical punishment. Physical punishment is no more effective than other types of punishment – in fact, in many situations it is less effective – and it has been proven to have a harmful effect on children's development.” There are many other alternatives to physical punishment. Some examples are time-out or withholding a privilege. “If you need to punish your child, do so by telling him that you're disappointed in how he has behaved, putting him on a time-out (if he is young), or depriving him of something he wants or enjoys (if he is older). These work just as well as physical punishment, but they do not have adverse side effects.”
Besides physical punishment as a harmful way to parent, equally destructive is verbal abuse. Verbal abuse is name-calling, berating, shouting, belittling, humiliation, or accusation, to name a few. Verbal abuse is ineffective, one because it’s wrong, and two because in order for a parent to be successful, you need to have trust from your child. If you’re constantly verbally attacking your child, they aren’t going to trust you. “One good way to avoid harsh verbal discipline is to focus your remarks on your child's behavior rather than on your child.” As a parent, we should learn to control our anger. We are the parent and adult in the situation. Children are sometimes unable to identify or control their emotions. We need to lead by example.
Disciplining with love and kindness, but still making sure to model good behavior and act like a parent, will help our children thrive. They will learn the lessons we are trying to teach them, and grow up to be good people, which is the ultimate goal of being a good parent.
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