Praising Children

    There is danger in inappropriately praising a child.  Constant praise may seem like a positive parenting practice, but it actually has negative effects on children.  Praising intelligence or talents creates a fixed mindset.  A fixed mindset is someone who believes that they have a fixed amount of intelligence and can’t progress beyond that.  So consistently praising a child creates a fixed mindset and actually limits future potential because they think they can’t progress from where they are.  Instead of praising outcomes, it is much more healthy to praise effort, character, deliberate practice, and tenacity.  If you praise kids for everything they do,  you could damage their future.  Yes, you do temporarily boost their self-esteem, but that praise doesn’t build on their effort and results.  And in the future, they are much more likely to give up on hard things. 

    So what is the solution?  Children need a certain amount of praise to feel good about themselves, but how do we praise without damaging our children? In a panel discussion called, “True Grit, Can You Teach Children Character,” Professor Carol Dweck explains how we can praise our children in a healthy way.  “Have you ever told a child they were smart or talented to boost their confidence? That’s what the self-esteem gurus told us to do, but they were wrong.  In a dozen studies we've shown that praising intelligence or talent creates a fixed mindset, makes kids worried about taking on hard tasks, even if they learn from them, and sabotages resilience. What's the alternative? Praising that process, effort, strategies, persistence--those growth mindset characteristics creates the hardy and resilient child.”

    In general, our society has moved to praising children for every little thing they do.  Participation ribbons for everyone, and trying to spare the feelings of children have replaced genuine praise. In the article, “Are we praising kids too much?”  by Joanna Pocock,  it is asked,  “Have we reached the point where we can’t be honest about our children’s skills and limitations?“  It appears in a lot of cases that we have.  Many children now think that they deserve praise, even for the mundane in life, and it has created an entitled generation.  ““A child who is praised often will begin to crave the satisfaction he or she gets from pleasing their parent, teacher, or caregiver. Instead of doing something for the pure joy of it, the child will begin to do it simply for the praise. This is not a healthy cycle, and it can turn children into approval addicts. Their worth comes from the recognition they get rather than an inner sense of achievement or fulfilment.”

For example, in our family we don’t highlight grades.  We encourage our kids to work hard and do their very best.  You could have one kid who easily gets an A in a class without even trying.  And another kid who struggles and works super hard, but gets a C.  We praise effort and learning.  This is a better measure of growth.   Rewarding grades is giving praise where it’s not needed.  Children should want to learn for the sake of learning, plus for the knowledge they gain, not because they get money or rewards from their parents. 

 

    We have to be intentional about our praise.  Parents should focus on a child’s effort, not the outcome, when giving praise.  The article points out, “many of us live in a society that values praise over engagement and end goals over process.”  Children should want to do things for the pure enjoyment of the activity or for the reward of learning something, not for praise.   We shouldn’t over-praise our children.  So what is the right way to give children praise?  “One simple way is to praise the effort over the outcome. Not only does this encourage them to keep doing whatever it is, it takes the focus away from “good” and “bad,” placing it on the idea that working toward something can be its own reward. In other words, instead of thinking about praising our children, we should be concentrating on encouraging them.”  Praising too often or insincerely means the child will not trust us.  We are not being honest if we praise every little accomplishment.  Plus praising too often makes children afraid of making mistakes because they will not get the expected praise they are used to constantly receiving.  “We should also work toward creating an atmosphere where children feel safe making mistakes. Failure is part of the process of learning and is something we often overlook.”

 

 

    It's ok to praise our kids, but we should be careful and intentional.  We should praise effort, not the end result.  We should be honest and sincere in our praise, and we should praise only when we mean it.

 

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